I may say it nonchalantly like it's no big deal but lately it's all I've been thinking about. I think about him all day long and some days it's easier than others to just get on with my day and not mope around but lately it's been sucking my brain away. I miss him all the time but when it consumes me sometimes I just don't know what I should do so recently I've just been on the move going to stores that I really don't care to go to or really need anything from, helpful was my neighbor when we went on an all morning extravaganza with the children and just let them run around, but I always end up here with my mind wrapped up in all that is him. It's mostly the little things that get to me, that end up adding up and filling my bottle. Things like Marley just walking, we all waited so long for her to do what she is doing now with no effort at all she works those legs as if it's what she has been doing for years. Or when Marley spontaneously says something that makes your heart melt like her signing "I love you" out of absolutely nowhere, or watching her play and talk, talk, talk words you don't understand. They are just the things you always wish to share with the one you love and coming from Marley it just means so much more because you know how hard she has worked to get to where she is now. Things that can get captured by my camcorder or camera yes but not being able to look to your side and celebrate the little things together sometimes just really kills inside. Going out to lunch sitting with your toddler and no one around to chat with over your meal, looking around and seeing people with their friends, boyfriend, or husband and still your there alone BLOWS!!! Not complaining I know what we signed up for just venting where my mind has been. Sometimes it feels good to just let go cry when no one is looking because I work so hard to be a strong wife and mom so Marley won't see me cry and not know what is going on, it always makes me feel bad every time (which is very rare) she stares at me with a confused look in her face like "mommy what's wrong". I stay strong for them because it is my job to keep it together and make sure things run smoothly but it feels good to let it out talk about it and not have to be strong even for just a second. SO here I am writing about it so I can move on to the next subject, task, or activity of the day.
|Thinking of You Thinking of Me|